Dreams

It’s 2:00 am now. I feel the cold wind coming through my window. It’s a bit crazy to open the window at this time of the night and weather. But I don’t feel anything. I stare at the huge black void in front of me. It’s been years and months and now I am on the verge. Don’t ask me on the verge of what cause I don’t have an answer to that. I feel everything moving around so fast, people laughing and running, sun rising and setting. I look up that sky, a plane goes by, I wonder what the passengers are thinking right now? Maybe they are napping comfortably or some woke up just now to get ready. People in their zones, living a life dreamt for them. What if I don’t dare to dream? What if I never thought of dreaming? People dream all the time. I dream too. A lot. But isn’t it weird when it becomes hard? Yes, dreaming becomes hard and suffocating. Isn’t there a point where you wish you could just close your eyes and let the cold wind go through your heart and freeze it like your hands.

I rub my hands, the wind grows stronger. I crave for that road, that silence. I just want to leave everything and maybe take a long walk along that path which I never saw. Or maybe dare to follow my heart for once. Maybe I have been completely wrong all this time. Maybe I was just in a huge disillusionment. But that’s now what I am afraid of. The biggest fear comes knocking me down when I suddenly think what if I am hard hit by the reality and couldn’t stand up again? What if everything I have ever dreamt of comes crashing down on me and leaves me paralysed for the rest of my life? What if the cold wind freezes my body slowly and kills me? It’s not the battle which makes me feel anxious, it’s the consequences. Days go by and I feel like the world moving way too fast for me. I try to run as fast as I can but then I realize it’s just becoming more futile day by day. What am I doing? Is the question I ask myself everyday and I don’t get an answer back. What if I stand back and have a look at this mad chaos of the situation for once? The madness where I have lost a piece of me somewhere. A piece of me which I badly need, a piece of me which was my guiding star, a piece of me without which I might drown in this sea of anxiousness.