Clashes

Dear Feelings,

It’s been a very long time since I have looked directly at you, eye to eye. You know the reason, I am afraid to look at you. I just can’t face you. I claim myself to be someone very “logical” and “reasonable”, with “brain over heart” attitude but whom am I kidding? At the end of the day, all I know is I did a number of things which in no aspect could be called as “logical”. No, it’s not that I follow my heart even, it’s something very stupid. Its like, I will do anything but to face you.

You remember when sometimes you used to come at night and stroke my hair, making me feel things like sadness and anger? I am thankful for that….it really made me realize a lot of things. I am sorry, I have always subdued you, suppressed you, never really gave you much chance to come out when it was really required. I am sorry for always denying you, never accepting you as a part of me. I thought I will never be broken if I showed that I don’t have you in my life. The truth is, it was all so foolish and instead of making things better, it all worsened. Still I did not give up on my misconception. A stubborn stupid girl.

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It must be a surprise for you, suddenly facing you and apologizing. But what choice do I have? I have come to such a point where I am stuck in a labyrinth. The whole world is just moving at such a great pace, I did everything in my power to avoid you. I just don’t want to sit and think about you, it makes me feel weak, it makes me realise that everything in my life is not going well. Avoiding you, takes me to the world of hallucination where it’s all good and fine.

But I guess it’s enough and I have to face you. Yes, things are not fine in my life. I have lost people, I am gaining people, I have somewhere lost pieces of me. However, I know you will again help me to come back again to the main track. Time is short and there is a lot of things to do. You know it’s very tough to leave the usual old habits and pull everything in a new way, but I believe I will do it, just that I am a bit tired of this whole stuff.

Lets admit it, you did cause me a lot more damage than the decisions I took with the help of “rationality” sometimes. Those damages were equivalent to breaking me into millions of pieces and I had to glue them together and crawl ahead. But now it’s really becoming a really tedious process. I can’t keep on breaking and mending myself. So let’s end this on a final note: I am really sorry to do this, but it’s high time that I put you to sleep forever.

Yours sincerely,

The mind who is tired.

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Freakish in a Freaking World

I was just scrolling through various social media platforms one fine day and I found an interesting fact: 95% of the man made things in this world is designed in such a manner which is beneficial for the right handers only. And I being a leftie became stunned. Yes it is true! There are many tools, procedures and almost all the vehicles are designed to be used by the right handers. Out of the total world population only 10% of them are left handers. One of the most disturbing and funny moments of being a leftie I faced was with the chairs having flipping tables. Everyone in my class used to sit comfortably during the lecture and take notes; and here I was sitting  slightly turned to the right and taking notes because these tables are only meant for the ease of righties. Another classroom experience was when I would always have a good “clash of elbows” with my partners who were righties.

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If we take a look at the origin of the word “Sinister” it is actually Latin for “Left hand” but in English it’s “Evil”. Then comes the French word “Gauche” which again means “Left Hand” but again in English it is “Unsophisticated” or ” Socially awkward “. This shows that lefties have always been treated with a lot of hatred and suspicions. Whereas, the right handers have always got the words like ” Dexter” ( Latin) whose noun form is “Dexterity” which means “skill” and in French the righties are called ” Droit” which in English is “Adroit” meaning “skillful” .

It seems having a recessive trait ,which is this visible to everyone, is a sin on our part. Cause whenever we find a child who is leftie, the instant reaction to the parents is” Why don’t you make him/her practice with the right hand? ” And then many are forced to shift to their right hand. Even my parents took me to the doctor for shifting, but he explained them that if I do make a shift, I might have dyslexia in the future. The fact is, left handers use their right side of the brain to process and store information and vice versa for right handers. If someone tried to shift, it effects the brain causing dyslexia or such slow learning disabilities.

However, from the year 1976, 13th of August has been declared International Left Handers Day. It is to promote awareness on the inconveniences faced by the left handers (Though I sometimes wonder if the date 13th was again a sign of being ominous).

There are many famous personalities in the whole time zones from the past to the present who are lefties. Like, Aristotle and Leonardo Da Vinci form the past and  then at present we have Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates, Barack Obama, Amitabh Bachan, Sachin  Tendulkar and many others. And let’s see the point: Are they something evil or threatening or ominous just because they are left handed? They are just normal human beings, we are just normal human beings. This discrimination and those “eww you are left handed” look must be stopped. We are just normal people like you all with only the recessive trait of left hand. It is as common as having the recessive trait of tongue rolling or having brown eyes.

P.S: This idea was suggested to me by my very good friend.

Travelling and Healing

These few days were such jubilant ones. I had gone for a long good vacation. Starting with Shimla, Manali and then in Delhi. A very hilarious thing which was constant in the whole journey was – Mishaps. From the beginning nothing was the way it had been planned. Our train got delayed, we boarded the wrong bus, there was a forest fire in Shimla, we were given a car which was not authorized for visiting Rohtang Pass, so we could not go there. It was all types of cataclysm for us. But there something in the whole journey which made me not that sad as I  should have been.

No, it is not something which goes “But think of the positive side…” It is not possible to be positive in each and every adverse situation. It was those one day’s in between the trip which made it so memorable. I loved those two-third days were everything went alright. I felt so good, looking at the icy mountains in the morning and the blinking city lights during the night. Sometimes late at night, I would be wide awake, and it was such a night. I was wide awake, the bed was so soft and comfy, even I was tired to be awake at that point of time. It was a feeling which cannot be described in one word. It was this, I felt like crying out like anything and then again grasp for breath and again cry like a maniac.

There had always been that sheering pain within me, always trying to break me but somehow I held on to the pieces. I cannot effort to break so soon. I cried that night. I cried it out all. I cried till I had no reason left to do so. It was morning when I say there waiting for the tears and crying and again waiting. After that I went for sightseeing. And did a few things which were breathtaking.

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I am not saying it made me feel that ” everything is gonna be alright if you travel” and I am not even saying that I got healed. No it’s not healed. It is just that temporary healing. I am still broken now with those billion pieces somehow glued together. But that morning after enjoying myself thoroughly I felt a little lighter. It just gave me a good that at the end everything will work out even though it doesn’t feel alright.

Euthanasic Death

Have you ever been in a dark room? No, a completely dark one, with not a single streak of light coming in. It’s all you and the darkness. I love that darkness. It has always been my love. The dark nights, the dark colours, everything makes me feel so good, cause I could identify with the blackout days. When I sit in the dark room I don’t find any disparity between the interior and exterior. My soul had always been this dark.

No, don’t rant about making it spiritually lighter, I am not a theist not an aethist. Neither am I a spiritual person. Don’t even take me to be a satanist. It’s just that I have not found out what to believe and trust, just like the people in my life. I am very assured that a very few people who are in my life are really good, lovable and so but sometimes I don’t know why but there are things, there are thoughts which are too dark to be shared. I know they would understand but sometimes being vulnerable is not so easy. These thoughts are like parasites hosting in your own body, they finish you by and by like a slow poison. I love darkness so much, but sometimes I strive, I pine for that streak of light. I sometimes want to bathe in that dazzling sunlight sitting in a garden full of flowers.

However, when that happens somehow, I again want to go back to the darkness. The wall which I have built around me sometimes suffocate me. I wonder whether these walls would be a traitor and kill its master one day. And then there are some people who do break the wall and enter; you feel grateful to them but what about their leaving you suddenly? With that wall half broken, with you being completely devastated, you realize one thing….the other part of the wall is leaning towards you, it is ready to fall and you have no way to escape the boundaries, they have a strong foundation. It’s leaning more and more, anytime your beloved room would be on you. Now you realize that you have no way to escape, so you give up all hope and sit there in that darkness of yours with all those dark thoughts running frivolously on your mind and then the rooms falls on you. And it’s over. All those inner conflicts, all those to do or not to do. It’s all finished. You were engulfed and killed by your own darkness. You are dead inside now.

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Tell him

Tell him, I still miss him,

Like a man who misses the warmth of the Sun on a winter evening.

Tell him, I despise all those nights which falls silent.

Tell him, I tried hard to unlove,

I tried to forget those moments,

Tell him, I am still stuck on the cold days,

I still love black dark nights,

I still stay up all night long.

Could you please tell him

That I have got some of his habits?

If you meet him, do tell him to take care of himself.

Please tell him, no matter what happens I will be there for him…

Oh wait!

I cannot go near him,

He is the fire, and

I am bound in chains.

But don’t tell him that.

After everything, please tell him

That I have went far away

Never to come back again….

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Iridescence

I don’t remember anything before that night,

We were lying on the grass, looking at the stars,

We smiled. We cried.

Suddenly you ask about my paintings

Or so did I hear.

You asked why were they all black and white?

I said I had no colours left.

we don’t speak after that.

Next day, you brought me various colours,

Colours I have never seen before.

I drew pictures, I drew the world.

A few days later, we were lying on the grass again

Everything seemed to be perfect.

“I wish to paint on your canvas one day” I smiled and said.

You smiled weakly and then frowned,

You looked up to the sky and suddenly got up.

I tried to pull you down,

You said calmly, that some wishes are meant to be buried forever.

I tried to hold on, you pushed me away and walked to the dark of night.

I don’t know what happened to you after that…..

But now all my paintings are black and white, again.

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The Ominous Swing

It was a pleasant day, I walked all alone. I did not tell them where I was going. As I was becoming smaller in their sight, my legs carried me faster. It was more than I could take, the sun shone but I did not feel the heat. After a few minutes I saw the yellow gate, with animals carved on it.

 “The park has opened early today.” I heard someone say. I smirked , anyway I would have got in. There was the bench beside the pond. I kept my heavy bag down and sat there. The sweet breeze went through my hair, touching against my cheeks softly. The smell of nature filled my nostrils. I closed my eyes and then the slideshow of those spring days came up.

I went up to the swing near the pond. No one had come to the park today. They considered this swing to be ominous, I found it terrifyingly beautiful. The swing takes you a bit to the pond and again back to the land. They thought this to be dangerous, it makes me laugh. Dangerous is beautiful. I start to swing myself to and fro, slowly at first. I close my eyes again. There comes those spring days, with that lovely face, those laughing eyes, chuckles and giggles which makes me smile. I gain momentum. The winds kiss me. I remember those words which made my heart skip beats, those promises of eternity. I am gaining more momentum.  The winds seemed to pull me towards them. Fading away….I am losing grip….the creaking increases….it’s becoming blurry….

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Tears fall down from my eyes, I am crying, I let go, I hear a splash. I feel water everywhere; I don’t want to open my eyes. The winds no longer pull me, but the water pulls me down to its lap. I see that smile, I hear that voice, I can feel my heart skipping beats and it feels like my lungs are burning. That laugh rings in my ears, I let go of the name for the last time….but then I feel someone pulling me up.

I sit here on the bench and still wonder, is that the swing which was ominous? When all it was doing, was to help me? However, I smile again as I see that swing broken and kept aside.