The air swished in from the window going through my hair. It’s been a very long time that I have felt like this. I am not good at conveying emotions. I saw the trees pass by me, is it what’s supposed to happen?
There are many things in my life that I want. I want to love, want to travel and so much more. But not getting everything is life, isn’t it? The love which you once felt deeply, it might fade away. The most memorable times may get hazy. What stays behind is the feeling.
The feeling which you got when someone said they loved you, the feeling when you got what you wanted; the ‘feeling of feelings’. Once the source gets away, you don’t know how to feel anymore. You crave for the feeling again and again. Die everyday to just make your heart beat like that again.
Go somewhere, get clarity? I am no philosopher, all I know is something just clicked in me. Something very dark, something preciously harmful. A dark box which mocks and tempts me at the same time, lures me to open it. I have buried it deep in the ground.
“You are bringing out a different kind of me. There’s no safety net that’s underneath” the song was coming from the earphones. I looked outside the bus, saw my reflection on the window. I have been here before, and here I am after 2 years. The mirror reflected that same eyes of love but now with a tinge of tiredness. I sigh and turn away, there’s no way I could afford to dig out the box.
“Taste the poison from your lips. They leave, we’re as good as gone.” The song has changed. Is the flashback really necessary? Do I have to go through all those things which I had to suppress? Was asking these questions anymore valid? I closed my eyes and the same movie begins, the same things, the same dialogues; it’s a routine now. Each day the same clips run in my mind. Each day.
We search in places where it came, but what we forget is that feeling lies within us.
Sometimes all we need is to breathe, to think of it as an object of past, it shaped our present, will shape our future but why not just keep it aside for a while? We don’t need to keep on bringing that box in our life everyday. No one forbade us to live our lives in the present irrespective of a broken heart. We don’t need to force ourselves to go through that every tiny detail of that moment which has made us so weary now.
But then, even I know from the depth of my heart, this is just that superficial consolation which would help me in no way. Because again when I will wake up the next day, I will remember the day which changed the loving eyes to tired ones. It will all be the same. It will the same inner death of me every single day. But it’s the quest for that feeling which keeps that tiny part of the body, the heart, alive. That feeling which can make our heart beat again with love. “Yeah, you’re perfectly wrong for me. And that’s why it’s so hard for me.” The song was coming to an end, I got down at the same unknown bus stop.