Have you ever been in a dark room? No, a completely dark one, with not a single streak of light coming in. It’s all you and the darkness. I love that darkness. It has always been my love. The dark nights, the dark colours, everything makes me feel so good, cause I could identify with the blackout days. When I sit in the dark room I don’t find any disparity between the interior and exterior. My soul had always been this dark.
No, don’t rant about making it spiritually lighter, I am not a theist not an aethist. Neither am I a spiritual person. Don’t even take me to be a satanist. It’s just that I have not found out what to believe and trust, just like the people in my life. I am very assured that a very few people who are in my life are really good, lovable and so but sometimes I don’t know why but there are things, there are thoughts which are too dark to be shared. I know they would understand but sometimes being vulnerable is not so easy. These thoughts are like parasites hosting in your own body, they finish you by and by like a slow poison. I love darkness so much, but sometimes I strive, I pine for that streak of light. I sometimes want to bathe in that dazzling sunlight sitting in a garden full of flowers.
However, when that happens somehow, I again want to go back to the darkness. The wall which I have built around me sometimes suffocate me. I wonder whether these walls would be a traitor and kill its master one day. And then there are some people who do break the wall and enter; you feel grateful to them but what about their leaving you suddenly? With that wall half broken, with you being completely devastated, you realize one thing….the other part of the wall is leaning towards you, it is ready to fall and you have no way to escape the boundaries, they have a strong foundation. It’s leaning more and more, anytime your beloved room would be on you. Now you realize that you have no way to escape, so you give up all hope and sit there in that darkness of yours with all those dark thoughts running frivolously on your mind and then the rooms falls on you. And it’s over. All those inner conflicts, all those to do or not to do. It’s all finished. You were engulfed and killed by your own darkness. You are dead inside now.