It’s been a very long time since I have looked directly at you, eye to eye. You know the reason, I am afraid to look at you. I just can’t face you. I claim myself to be someone very “logical” and “reasonable”, with “brain over heart” attitude but whom am I kidding? At the end of the day, all I know is I did a number of things which in no aspect could be called as “logical”. No, it’s not that I follow my heart even, it’s something very stupid. Its like, I will do anything but to face you.
You remember when sometimes you used to come at night and stroke my hair, making me feel things like sadness and anger? I am thankful for that….it really made me realize a lot of things. I am sorry, I have always subdued you, suppressed you, never really gave you much chance to come out when it was really required. I am sorry for always denying you, never accepting you as a part of me. I thought I will never be broken if I showed that I don’t have you in my life. The truth is, it was all so foolish and instead of making things better, it all worsened. Still I did not give up on my misconception. A stubborn stupid girl.
It must be a surprise for you, suddenly facing you and apologizing. But what choice do I have? I have come to such a point where I am stuck in a labyrinth. The whole world is just moving at such a great pace, I did everything in my power to avoid you. I just don’t want to sit and think about you, it makes me feel weak, it makes me realise that everything in my life is not going well. Avoiding you, takes me to the world of hallucination where it’s all good and fine.
But I guess it’s enough and I have to face you. Yes, things are not fine in my life. I have lost people, I am gaining people, I have somewhere lost pieces of me. However, I know you will again help me to come back again to the main track. Time is short and there is a lot of things to do. You know it’s very tough to leave the usual old habits and pull everything in a new way, but I believe I will do it, just that I am a bit tired of this whole stuff.
Lets admit it, you did cause me a lot more damage than the decisions I took with the help of “rationality” sometimes. Those damages were equivalent to breaking me into millions of pieces and I had to glue them together and crawl ahead. But now it’s really becoming a really tedious process. I can’t keep on breaking and mending myself. So let’s end this on a final note: I am really sorry to do this, but it’s high time that I put you to sleep forever.
The mind who is tired.