For a beat of heart

The air swished in from the window going through my hair. It’s been a very long time that I have felt like this. I am not good at conveying emotions. I saw the trees pass by me, is it what’s supposed to happen?
There are many things in my life that I want. I want to love, want to travel and so much more. But not getting everything is life, isn’t it? The love which you once felt deeply, it might fade away. The most memorable times may get hazy. What stays behind is the feeling.
The feeling which you got when someone said they loved you, the feeling when you got what you wanted; the ‘feeling of feelings’. Once the source gets away, you don’t know how to feel anymore. You crave for the feeling again and again. Die everyday to just make your heart beat like that again.

Go somewhere, get clarity? I am no philosopher, all I know is something just clicked in me. Something very dark, something preciously harmful. A dark box which mocks and tempts me at the same time, lures me to open it. I have buried it deep in the ground.
“You are bringing out a different kind of me. There’s no safety net that’s underneath” the song was coming from the earphones. I looked outside the bus, saw my reflection on the window. I have been here before, and here I am after 2 years. The mirror reflected that same eyes of love but now with a tinge of tiredness. I sigh and turn away, there’s no way I could afford to dig out the box.
“Taste the poison from your lips. They leave, we’re as good as gone.” The song has changed. Is the flashback really necessary? Do I have to go through all those things which I had to suppress? Was asking these questions anymore valid? I closed my eyes and the same movie begins, the same things, the same dialogues; it’s a routine now. Each day the same clips run in my mind. Each day.
We search in places where it came, but what we forget is that feeling lies within us.
Sometimes all we need is to breathe, to think of it as an object of past, it shaped our present, will shape our future but why not just keep it aside for a while? We don’t need to keep on bringing that box in our life everyday. No one forbade us to live our lives in the present irrespective of a broken heart. We don’t need to force ourselves to go through that every tiny detail of that moment which has made us so weary now.
But then, even I know from the depth of my heart, this is just that superficial consolation which would help me in no way. Because again when I will wake up the next day, I will remember the day which changed the loving eyes to tired ones. It will all be the same. It will the same inner death of me every single day. But it’s the quest for that feeling which keeps that tiny part of the body, the heart, alive. That feeling which can make our heart beat again with love. “Yeah, you’re perfectly wrong for me. And that’s why it’s so hard for me.” The song was coming to an end, I got down at the same unknown bus stop.


Body positivity or Obesity?

So there has been this Body Positivity movement going on and before beginning I would like to tell my readers that I do support it. Certainly all types of bodies are beautiful and one must embrace it. There is absolutely no reason to chase the hourglass figure. Everyone is beautiful in their own shells. However, there is a difference between having a body which is imperfect due to health conditions or genetics and having a body which is obese.


Recently I have come across some people who are obese or going in that direction always telling that it’s body positivity and they love it. Of course loving your own body is not a bad thing, but I feel loving also means maintaining it. If I love something, I would definitely take care of it. Being obese is not something for which one can be proud. It has dangerous health consequences. In fact, I was almost on the path of obesity and now I am trying to cut it out after facing a few implications. When I was trying to lose a bit of weight, there were people who said to love my body and all those stuff. But if that means just keep on adding the fat in the body and making it worse for your health, then I would seriously be against it.
A body is like a machine, it needs to be maintained and taken care of. Body positivity does not mean that if we are obese we continue in that condition. It is for those people, who are plus size or skinny or not of the conventional ideal figure, to understand that it’s okay to be exceptional. It’s okay not to meet the standards of the society which are baseless. But it does not mean that one can just keep their body unhealthy on purpose.

According to a study, obesity ranks second among preventable causes of death. Tobacco use is number one. In the “Global Burden of Disease” report from the World Health Organization, which was compiled over a 20-year period from 1990 through 2010 using data from 500 researchers from 50 countries, it was determined that obesity had surpassed hunger as the greatest worldwide threat. And we thought most of the people die due to poverty? When the actual reason for so many untimely death is having excessive!

Maybe the belief that having excessive kills is true. People are dying from obesity and there are people who just misuse the body positivity concept to justify their obesity. They are too afraid to face the reality about what they are doing to their body is harmful, that they need to work on it to protect themselves. They are so afraid of the reality that they now cling on to the body positivity movement just to justify themselves or better to say just to hide their laziness.

Modern love- Over used

Different people, different opinions, different theories on a subject. But what makes me really think about the most when I watch the old classic movies (of which I am a big fan) is how much the idea of love has changed throughout the decades.
I mean, once there was a time when confessing your love meant it would solemnise into marriage. And if we just have a peek at today’s scenario…oh dear God! Professing love is no big deal! You have feelings for someone, you confess it, have a relationship and then after a duration of time you break up. Of course there are exceptions and I respect them. But, in my opinion, I feel that love a d affections have degraded to a great extent.
Love is not something in which one falls. Being born in the millennium where being a part of the social media frenzy is common; almost daily I find posts which tells how love has harmed a particular person or so. This is again what bugs me. Love did not ruin you, love cannot ruin anyone one! The base meaning of love is to spread affections, not hatred. It was the person whom you trusted with your feelings, it was you who did not consider about your feelings much which lead you to your ruins. There is a huge difference between infatuation and love. Many people just get it confused. One can never fall out of love, but one can out of infatuation. Love is something where you know the other person’s flaws and setbacks and yet you choose to stay with them.


The other day I came across a dialogue which went something like “….there will always be better persons who are better suited to us than our current partners”. This was what ,adequate me think suddenly, love is staying with that one person with their flawed selves even though knowing and meeting people who are better than them. Staying in a competitive world, with each person striving for the highest of goals and ambitions, they seek betterment in their partners. Once they find someone else, they would hop on to the next one, and the cycle goes on and on. I think this is one of the reasons for the frequent breakups and divorces.
However, this does not mean I support people staying in toxic relationships. One must always evaluate a person very carefully before entering into a relationship. Yes I know that love does not happen by thinking. But I find this notion very stupid. Firstly, it actually conveys the fact that you fell for that person by looks or somewhat for the exterior. Secondly, to be honest, it is a crush or infatuation and not love. How can one love a person without knowing how they treat their n own friends or family? How are they going to accept your flaws? How they feel about your likes and dislikes? How they would react to your opinions or choices which will be different from them? To spend time with a person these are really important things to know. But now, the situation is completely different.
Nobody really cares about these things. It’s just the shallow feeling now which needs to be satisfied. Once that’s over, the next one begins. Those people are really quite lucky who have found someone who is sticking through everything with them for a very long time. The 80’s and 90’s were such a lovely time. People had to consider their feelings over and over again since confessing would mean marriage and if that did not happen both the parties would have a black stain on their names.


Dear Feelings,

It’s been a very long time since I have looked directly at you, eye to eye. You know the reason, I am afraid to look at you. I just can’t face you. I claim myself to be someone very “logical” and “reasonable”, with “brain over heart” attitude but whom am I kidding? At the end of the day, all I know is I did a number of things which in no aspect could be called as “logical”. No, it’s not that I follow my heart even, it’s something very stupid. Its like, I will do anything but to face you.

You remember when sometimes you used to come at night and stroke my hair, making me feel things like sadness and anger? I am thankful for that….it really made me realize a lot of things. I am sorry, I have always subdued you, suppressed you, never really gave you much chance to come out when it was really required. I am sorry for always denying you, never accepting you as a part of me. I thought I will never be broken if I showed that I don’t have you in my life. The truth is, it was all so foolish and instead of making things better, it all worsened. Still I did not give up on my misconception. A stubborn stupid girl.


It must be a surprise for you, suddenly facing you and apologizing. But what choice do I have? I have come to such a point where I am stuck in a labyrinth. The whole world is just moving at such a great pace, I did everything in my power to avoid you. I just don’t want to sit and think about you, it makes me feel weak, it makes me realise that everything in my life is not going well. Avoiding you, takes me to the world of hallucination where it’s all good and fine.

But I guess it’s enough and I have to face you. Yes, things are not fine in my life. I have lost people, I am gaining people, I have somewhere lost pieces of me. However, I know you will again help me to come back again to the main track. Time is short and there is a lot of things to do. You know it’s very tough to leave the usual old habits and pull everything in a new way, but I believe I will do it, just that I am a bit tired of this whole stuff.

Lets admit it, you did cause me a lot more damage than the decisions I took with the help of “rationality” sometimes. Those damages were equivalent to breaking me into millions of pieces and I had to glue them together and crawl ahead. But now it’s really becoming a really tedious process. I can’t keep on breaking and mending myself. So let’s end this on a final note: I am really sorry to do this, but it’s high time that I put you to sleep forever.

Yours sincerely,

The mind who is tired.

Freakish in a Freaking World

I was just scrolling through various social media platforms one fine day and I found an interesting fact: 95% of the man made things in this world is designed in such a manner which is beneficial for the right handers only. And I being a leftie became stunned. Yes it is true! There are many tools, procedures and almost all the vehicles are designed to be used by the right handers. Out of the total world population only 10% of them are left handers. One of the most disturbing and funny moments of being a leftie I faced was with the chairs having flipping tables. Everyone in my class used to sit comfortably during the lecture and take notes; and here I was sitting  slightly turned to the right and taking notes because these tables are only meant for the ease of righties. Another classroom experience was when I would always have a good “clash of elbows” with my partners who were righties.


If we take a look at the origin of the word “Sinister” it is actually Latin for “Left hand” but in English it’s “Evil”. Then comes the French word “Gauche” which again means “Left Hand” but again in English it is “Unsophisticated” or ” Socially awkward “. This shows that lefties have always been treated with a lot of hatred and suspicions. Whereas, the right handers have always got the words like ” Dexter” ( Latin) whose noun form is “Dexterity” which means “skill” and in French the righties are called ” Droit” which in English is “Adroit” meaning “skillful” .

It seems having a recessive trait ,which is this visible to everyone, is a sin on our part. Cause whenever we find a child who is leftie, the instant reaction to the parents is” Why don’t you make him/her practice with the right hand? ” And then many are forced to shift to their right hand. Even my parents took me to the doctor for shifting, but he explained them that if I do make a shift, I might have dyslexia in the future. The fact is, left handers use their right side of the brain to process and store information and vice versa for right handers. If someone tried to shift, it effects the brain causing dyslexia or such slow learning disabilities.

However, from the year 1976, 13th of August has been declared International Left Handers Day. It is to promote awareness on the inconveniences faced by the left handers (Though I sometimes wonder if the date 13th was again a sign of being ominous).

There are many famous personalities in the whole time zones from the past to the present who are lefties. Like, Aristotle and Leonardo Da Vinci form the past and  then at present we have Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates, Barack Obama, Amitabh Bachan, Sachin  Tendulkar and many others. And let’s see the point: Are they something evil or threatening or ominous just because they are left handed? They are just normal human beings, we are just normal human beings. This discrimination and those “eww you are left handed” look must be stopped. We are just normal people like you all with only the recessive trait of left hand. It is as common as having the recessive trait of tongue rolling or having brown eyes.

P.S: This idea was suggested to me by my very good friend.

Travelling and Healing

These few days were such jubilant ones. I had gone for a long good vacation. Starting with Shimla, Manali and then in Delhi. A very hilarious thing which was constant in the whole journey was – Mishaps. From the beginning nothing was the way it had been planned. Our train got delayed, we boarded the wrong bus, there was a forest fire in Shimla, we were given a car which was not authorized for visiting Rohtang Pass, so we could not go there. It was all types of cataclysm for us. But there something in the whole journey which made me not that sad as I  should have been.

No, it is not something which goes “But think of the positive side…” It is not possible to be positive in each and every adverse situation. It was those one day’s in between the trip which made it so memorable. I loved those two-third days were everything went alright. I felt so good, looking at the icy mountains in the morning and the blinking city lights during the night. Sometimes late at night, I would be wide awake, and it was such a night. I was wide awake, the bed was so soft and comfy, even I was tired to be awake at that point of time. It was a feeling which cannot be described in one word. It was this, I felt like crying out like anything and then again grasp for breath and again cry like a maniac.

There had always been that sheering pain within me, always trying to break me but somehow I held on to the pieces. I cannot effort to break so soon. I cried that night. I cried it out all. I cried till I had no reason left to do so. It was morning when I say there waiting for the tears and crying and again waiting. After that I went for sightseeing. And did a few things which were breathtaking.


I am not saying it made me feel that ” everything is gonna be alright if you travel” and I am not even saying that I got healed. No it’s not healed. It is just that temporary healing. I am still broken now with those billion pieces somehow glued together. But that morning after enjoying myself thoroughly I felt a little lighter. It just gave me a good that at the end everything will work out even though it doesn’t feel alright.

Euthanasic Death

Have you ever been in a dark room? No, a completely dark one, with not a single streak of light coming in. It’s all you and the darkness. I love that darkness. It has always been my love. The dark nights, the dark colours, everything makes me feel so good, cause I could identify with the blackout days. When I sit in the dark room I don’t find any disparity between the interior and exterior. My soul had always been this dark.

No, don’t rant about making it spiritually lighter, I am not a theist not an aethist. Neither am I a spiritual person. Don’t even take me to be a satanist. It’s just that I have not found out what to believe and trust, just like the people in my life. I am very assured that a very few people who are in my life are really good, lovable and so but sometimes I don’t know why but there are things, there are thoughts which are too dark to be shared. I know they would understand but sometimes being vulnerable is not so easy. These thoughts are like parasites hosting in your own body, they finish you by and by like a slow poison. I love darkness so much, but sometimes I strive, I pine for that streak of light. I sometimes want to bathe in that dazzling sunlight sitting in a garden full of flowers.

However, when that happens somehow, I again want to go back to the darkness. The wall which I have built around me sometimes suffocate me. I wonder whether these walls would be a traitor and kill its master one day. And then there are some people who do break the wall and enter; you feel grateful to them but what about their leaving you suddenly? With that wall half broken, with you being completely devastated, you realize one thing….the other part of the wall is leaning towards you, it is ready to fall and you have no way to escape the boundaries, they have a strong foundation. It’s leaning more and more, anytime your beloved room would be on you. Now you realize that you have no way to escape, so you give up all hope and sit there in that darkness of yours with all those dark thoughts running frivolously on your mind and then the rooms falls on you. And it’s over. All those inner conflicts, all those to do or not to do. It’s all finished. You were engulfed and killed by your own darkness. You are dead inside now.

adult alone backlit black and white
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